you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
