I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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