I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
