I hope mine doesn't look like that
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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