nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
