when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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