hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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