They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
