i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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