Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize