i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
