at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
