i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
