I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
