I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
