is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
