you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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