I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
