you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't deserve a penis
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
