I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
