my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
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Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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