omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
