9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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