i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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