Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
