so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
