I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
