pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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