I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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