I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
