I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
