There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
