Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
