the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
