three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
