pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
