Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
