i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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