Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
