Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i drank out of a bidet.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I need moral support for this bender
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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