I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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