Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
