Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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