Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
