Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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