How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
