We won't sleep together?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
