DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
