I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
