I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
