First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize