I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
