i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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