So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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