just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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